So, finally I am set for India. I have been waiting for and imagining this moment in my head for a long long time now - maybe from the moment my plane took off from Bombay airport.
Every time I come (go? since I don't live there anymore?) back to India, the drive from Bombay airport to Pune is very very exciting (long live KK Travels). I am super excited to see what has changed and to reaffirm to myself that, in fact, nothing has changed and my old life is waiting patiently for me! The hot humidity which hits me as soon as I step from the airport building tells me that the back to pavilion journey has started and at that moment even the California weather would fall short! I try to see the city out of the windows even though it is dark and I am not able to make out anything. Entering Pune and the sleepy society and arguing with the even more sleepy security guards does not irritate me even a bit. And then up the lift, fish out the key and MY room and my HOME. This moment has always been very precious to me and I would never never wish that anybody would come to the airport to receive me or that when I reached home somebody would be there waiting with a meal and a clean home. I love that moment and would never want to share it with anybody - including the fact that until I get up, go out and buy milk, I would not even get tea.
Anyway, now all that has changed. My home is no longer there. Although I dismantled it myself, when I am here, I can imagine it that it is still there just like all the other times I have been away. I can imagine my return and delude myself that life has not changed permanently. I convince myself that it is India I miss, when in reality it is my old life and circumstances which I miss. I would not mind this country so much if I knew I would one day go back to what I had! I had conveniently forgotten that I can never go back and so I looked forward to my India trip with almost painful excitement. But, now I know that I will just be a visitor there- staying in other people's homes and feeling more of an outsider than I do here.
The heat and humidity of Mumbai airport will not have the chance to torture me and the KK Travels ride to Pune is not for me. I will not get up the next day and drag myself to the kirana shop to buy milk and not have tea in the dirt. I will not have to clean a dirty house and will never touch my patiently waiting stuff lovingly. I don't think I want to go to Pune this time. Maybe if I skip the city, in my heart I can continue to think that the old life is still there - waiting for me to return.
Who says that we should always face our fears? Well, now it is time to leave for the airport.
Every time I come (go? since I don't live there anymore?) back to India, the drive from Bombay airport to Pune is very very exciting (long live KK Travels). I am super excited to see what has changed and to reaffirm to myself that, in fact, nothing has changed and my old life is waiting patiently for me! The hot humidity which hits me as soon as I step from the airport building tells me that the back to pavilion journey has started and at that moment even the California weather would fall short! I try to see the city out of the windows even though it is dark and I am not able to make out anything. Entering Pune and the sleepy society and arguing with the even more sleepy security guards does not irritate me even a bit. And then up the lift, fish out the key and MY room and my HOME. This moment has always been very precious to me and I would never never wish that anybody would come to the airport to receive me or that when I reached home somebody would be there waiting with a meal and a clean home. I love that moment and would never want to share it with anybody - including the fact that until I get up, go out and buy milk, I would not even get tea.
Anyway, now all that has changed. My home is no longer there. Although I dismantled it myself, when I am here, I can imagine it that it is still there just like all the other times I have been away. I can imagine my return and delude myself that life has not changed permanently. I convince myself that it is India I miss, when in reality it is my old life and circumstances which I miss. I would not mind this country so much if I knew I would one day go back to what I had! I had conveniently forgotten that I can never go back and so I looked forward to my India trip with almost painful excitement. But, now I know that I will just be a visitor there- staying in other people's homes and feeling more of an outsider than I do here.
The heat and humidity of Mumbai airport will not have the chance to torture me and the KK Travels ride to Pune is not for me. I will not get up the next day and drag myself to the kirana shop to buy milk and not have tea in the dirt. I will not have to clean a dirty house and will never touch my patiently waiting stuff lovingly. I don't think I want to go to Pune this time. Maybe if I skip the city, in my heart I can continue to think that the old life is still there - waiting for me to return.
Who says that we should always face our fears? Well, now it is time to leave for the airport.
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