Thoughts

How many times have we unthinkingly wished someone - Hope you have a great day and year. You deserve the very best.

Someone said something similar in one of my whatsapp group yesterday. It triggered something in me, something which had been simmering in my sub-concious for quite a while now. When people say that "You deserve the best", do they mean that I am such a nice person that only good things should happen to me? Am I really such a nice person all the time, that I deserve all this goodness? Does this also mean that when something bad happens to me (as it will, because it is life) then it is because I haven't been good? Well, if that is true then this is a bigger scam than Santa's naughty and nice list. Maybe it is the adult version of the list!

The Hindu religion takes this list even further by propagating the naughty and nice tally across lifetimes. So, what I do in this life determine what I will be and what will happen to me in the next life. You better be good, no pressure! The Gita says do your job, don't worry about the result, implying that there is a link between what you do and what you get.

I don't buy it. I don't know why life throws us curveballs or is unexpectedly kind (sometimes) but I choose to believe that neither happens because we did something to "deserve" it. Since I don't have proof or logical argument for either side of the debate, I choose to believe with my heart and mind. Maybe it is reason enough that I don't think I would be able to handle the pressure of the alternative.

A friend mentioned that there is a school of thought where our 'soul' chooses for us and our circumstances are a result of those choices. He mentioned that the 'Autobiography of a Yogi' talked very convincingly about this school of thought. I haven't read the book so I don't know all the details but it seems that our soul starts making those choices even before we are born. I am intrigued and curious to know how this line of thinking explains the 'bad choices' our soul makes, like disease and death. I don't buy this thinking either but I will give it fair shot and post my thoughts after I read the book.

I find it really hard to believe that I did something so good that I deserved the breaks I have had the good fortune to get or that I did something so bad that I deserved the misfortunes. Nothing in this world is that black and white and the tallying system seems very complex. I would rather believe in fate - I did not 'deserve' to get the good or the bad, but it is my fate to go through both. One thing I know for sure, I am not sure if I deserved it or not, I am not sure if my soul chose it or not, but I am very thankful that I was born in the family I was. Even though life was very tough growing up, I am very thankful that I was born to parents who went to great lengths to educate their daughters. It is a big privilege in India where girls, even when educated are lovingly dictated to by brothers, fathers and husbands, and I hope I never take it for granted. Paying it forward may just mean some good karma for my next life!

Ode to the Suffragettes

I was fortunate to be born in independent India with the right to vote automatically granted to every citizen irrespective or gender and caste. Because India got independence so late in the game, the leaders who wrote our constitution got the opportunity to study existing samples and jump ahead in the constitutional learning curve. The right to vote is the one of the basic rights of a citizen, yet women did not have even this right in the older democracies for the longest time. Nothing could be better to show them that they were second class citizens and had better stay in their place. After decades of protests, the suffragette movement finally got women suffrage in the United States on Aug 26, 1920. In the United Kingdom, it was a little different - women over the age of 30 got the right to vote in 1918 but the age limit was brought down to 21 only 10 years later, in 1928.

Although I have never voted legally (once illegally in my cousin's name, who was below 18 herself so I don't know how she got into voter list - but that is India for you!), as a woman I think this right is, well, my right. As a feminist, its importance grows manifold for me - this has been one of the tools historically used to oppress women and I am indebted to each and every suffragette who fought for me. I came across the following postcards from the movement and was so moved by them that I was inspired to break my blog fast and share it here. Although they seem funny in hindsight, they showcase the prevailing attitudes very well, and as a woman and feminist, I can only imagine what the world was then and the uphill battle which was fought. My "sat sat namaskar" to everyone who was directly and indirectly involved in the movement.

See all images at http://dangerousminds.net/comments/absurd_propaganda_postcards_warning_men_about_the_dangers_of_womens_rights



See how the baby is lying unattended because the woman is out protesting for her right. I wonder if it is a doll or a sick child in the bed.


This was is so funny because it is so outrageously chauvinistic.Because the wife is fighting for the right to vote, she has become so 'righteous' that she has the effrontery to pinch the husband's ear to make him clean the house. I like how it is considered 'beyond the pale' that men have to clean. Well, things haven't changed that much in this respect, we still have to pinch ears, although figuratively, to get the guys to clean. I sometimes wish that I could do it literally (!).


Again, it is interesting to see how things have changed so much, yet remained the same. Even today, unmarried women are viewed suspiciously (esp in India) and are derogatorily thought to be the roots of 'unwanted drama' (read issues which equalize the men women playing field) because they don't have a husband and kids to keep them 'busy'.


Of course, you have to force them to not speak out because there are no answers to their questions.


And it is back to the old defensive tactics - comment on their looks when you don't have the answers.


Really - this was the best they could do? Not even worth commenting on.

Poor guy, why isn't his household kingdom running to proclaim him king? See the footnote - there was a "National League for Opposing Women Suffrage". I would dearly love to get hold of their speeches and campaign material. No wonder they lost if the above is an example of their literature.


Don't give women the right to vote because you will have to take of the kids for the hour she will need to go vote?


And this is the best of the lot - heralding the suffragette movement as the harbinger of worst things - like women wearing pants! Thank God the law won't stand for that!! See the pants on the top right emphasizing the potential catastrophe? I liked the note at the bottom of the postcard too, people were not only publishing and circulating them, they were personalizing them too. They were pretty sure of their convictions and positions. I wonder how they would have reacted if they could see 100 years into the future. Women have embraced their masculinity without apology, and I hope one day men are able to embrace their femininity the same way.

This makes me realize how hard each step against a socially accepted evil is and yet we must take them - for the sake of mankind, for the sake of progress and simply for the sake of deserving our rights fought for by other people's blood, sweat and tears.

Happy Valentines Day

I used to think that V day in India was hyped but I have come to realize that it is nothing compared to the States. Teachers send out lists of all the kids' names to all parents well in advance, and the poor parents have to not only spend money on getting gifts for the whole class but also sit with the kids and make them laboriously write names on the envelopes. And the funny thing is that the young kids don't even know why they are doing it! But now they are older and understand a little bit, as I realized from a conversation with my 7 year old nephew.

Nephew - I know what a date is.
Me - Oh, what is it? I thought it was only on the calendar.
Nephew - No, not that one. A date is when a girl and a boy go out for dinner, then dance and then kiss.
Me - No words......


Maybe I will appreciate this day more as they grow older. Although I should probably start appreciating it now. After all, for the first time ever, M plucked a couple of roses from the garden and presented it to me. First time plucking flowers and first time flowers for me - two firsts, memorable day indeed!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone!

I have always wondered why people celebrate the new year as intensely and as deliberately as they do. Are they welcoming a chance to write over all the badness of the past year and start afresh? That would explain the resolutions which fall by the wayside in a month. Or is it simply an excuse to party? But does anyone really need an excuse? And pay hundreds of dollars or thousands of rupees to go to an overcrowded place, fight for substandard food and jostle for space on the dance floor? It might remain one of life's unexplained mysteries to me.

Personally, I don't believe in either view. I don't need a date to start afresh. Neither do I need a reason to celebrate. If I had to, I would do it at a time and place where I would not have to mirror the daily life struggle amidst the masses, by jostling for food and space. This year was the same, we stayed in and had a quiet night. I got to welcome the new year with people I love the most. I had ice cream with my niece and nephew and I will always cherish that.

But there is one change this year. Last year was not a very good one for me. Time and again through the past year, I have burst aloud that "life is hard", and it is. That is a fact. It is how we deal with it that matters.

I have been working with low income families in the last few months and that has been an eye opener. America was supposed to be the land of dreams. There weren't supposed to be so many poor families here, trying to scrape a living, as do the poor in India. Why did the American Dream fail them? Poverty was a part of the social fabric in India and all of us grew with it, recognizing its existence everywhere. Then we came to this country, where our social interactions are limited to people we work with. We do not bridge the cultural divide to form a connection with people who provide us with services. And we definitely do not see or realize that there are so many homeless or otherwise poor people who are trying to make it through each day, just like they do in India.

This experience has brought me down with a crash. "Life is hard" has been reinforced too many times in the past year. It is hard but people are brave enough to live it with grace. So, after a long time I made a new year resolution. I have pledged to myself that as far as I am able, I will work on making it a little less hard for someone.  I want to be a part of that grace and I will try to spend time with people from whom I can imbibe those qualities. And all of us can smile through this until we finally achieve "moksha".

Happy Holidays

As this year draws to a close, I have been looking back on my life and I am overwhelmed by the things I have received just because of the circumstances of my birth. I have received so much- not only a good education, food, clothing but also the confidence and assurance of unconditional love from family and friends. I have grown up in a safe home and cannot imagine what abuse feels like. I cannot imagine what going hungry feels like. I cannot imagine what not being able to provide for yourself and your family feels like. I appreciate my problems but I also appreciate the fact that I am able to deal with them because I have financial and emotional security.

I have increasingly been asking myself - "What have I done to give back to the community? I got so much, did I really deserve these things when others did not? The answer is nothing and no, I did nothing to deserve my good fortune and I need to now step up and give back and earn some of it. This will be one of my main focus items starting next year.

As I ponder about the world and what it has given some and withheld from others just because people were born where they were, I invariably start thinking about random acts which changes our lives, just because we were present where we were. I think of Sandy Hook and all those first graders who had full, safe lives with loving families and in one second they were no more and their families' lives were no more. This is the way the world changes - in one second. I cannot stop myself from imagining the last morning, the last hours in the lives of the kids and the endless hours left in the lives of their families. I am scared of life's realities and how it can change suddenly. I faced it this year - the moment when the world comes crashing around you with one sentence and your life takes an irrevocable turn. There are very few chapters in our lives where we have a distinct before and after and this was one of them. My mother's death was the another one but I was too young to appreciate the impact it would have on me.

All this has made me scared. I realize that we cannot take anything for granted in this kalyug. So, we need to make everyday count. My bigger focus in the new year will be to try to live each day so that when I go to sleep at night, I can say to myself - "I used this day I was granted and did not fritter it away".

And yes, Happy Holidays!!!

North and South

The year was early 2004. I was just a few months old in the workforce and posted at Chennai. This was my first time in the "Deep South". 99% of my colleagues were from the southern states of Tamil Nadu, Kerala, Karnataka and Andhra Pradesh (to some extent). Out of the 1% north indian folks, more than 50% were half south indians because they had grown up there. I was a novelty because I was a "pure" north indian. One day, one of my pakka tamilian colleagues was talking to me. Of course the first topic was the north vs south situation (I was such a novelty that this topic trumped the weather). Generally, people always asked me some standard questions about the northern part of the country. But this guy was different. And he not only acknowledged his difference but proclaimed it -

He - I have quite good knowledge about North India.
Me - Oh really, that's amazing. How do you know so much about the North?
He - My brother in law lives there.
Me - That's nice. Where does he live in North India?
He - BOMBAY.
Me - Too shocked to respond.


P.S. - I confess my North Indian-ness every time I refer to Mumbai as Bombay. But the interesting question is that why I (along with many many other people) say 'Chennai' (and have almost forgotten 'Madras') but 'Mumbai' still never comes readily to our tongue. Maybe because 'Bombay' has been part of our life growing up, due to Bollywood, and it is too intricrately  woven to be pulled out and replaced with 'Mumbai'.

The Metrosexual

Scene in my household in this age where metrosexuality is the norm and fashion rather than the exception:

I text M that I will be late home as I have stopped at the salon on the way home to get my hair cut and colored. Generally, my hair is all frizzy and wild, so he is really appreciative when I come home after a couple of hours with every strand set in place. He insists on taking a couple of pics (probably because he does not know when he will see it tamed again). That done, he casually mentions that you must need to take a bath now, since you had your hair cut and all. I find that the comment a little odd but ignore it.

A couple of hours later he confirms if I have showered. Now, I am really confused - what is with all these questions about my bathing habits! I tell him (a little irritated) that yes, I have already showered and will be ready for dinner in a short while. He then asks in a shocked voice - oh you took a shower but did not wash your hair? What about all the small cut hair which must be sticking all around your neck!

I had to spend 15 min in explaining that since my hair is shoulder length, cutting it does not leave any pieces on the neck - that only happens when you trim it really close to the skin. Moreover, they shampoo your hair before setting it at the salon and all the effort and wonderful style will be wastes if I wet my hair immediately after it!

It was kind of interesting explaining the basics! It is a wonder to find guys like this still exist. On the flip side, the training curriculum just increased.