A few days ago, a friend posted on FB that after 17 years of tobacco use, he was giving it up entirely on the occasion of the birth of his daughter. He had given up smoking (he was a chain smoker at one time) when his son was born 3.5 years ago and shut the door on this chapter on the birth of his daughter.
This got me thinking on smokers and how smoking affects their relationships. It has been a very big learning experience, at least in my life, and I am sure for many others as well. All of us know how addictive smoking is, more than alcohol (in my opinion), maybe because of portability and availability. As a kid, I always used to wonder how educated people could do it even after knowing all about it but I confess that I am also attracted to the burning puffs which are tangible manifestations of all the burning in your heart. That is why I have never bought cigarettes myself because I feel the moment I buy them, I will start ignoring that it is not ok to give in! (Note - I had no trouble giving up alcohol). But I am getting ahead of myself. I experimented with these things well after my black and white stand on alcohol and smoking had turned to well defined grey.
Going back to the time when my stand was black. There is a time in the life of every girl when she thinks that her love can change even the most irredeemable guy and there is a time in the life of every boy when he thinks his love can make even the most unattainable girl reciprocate. Unfortunately for me, God/fate(?) decided that since I do (or did) everything king size, "a time" was not king size enough, and I gave me a 100% bonus. In simple words, there were two times in my life when I felt that my love could make someone give up smoking. The first time it happened, I was very naive. I simply could not understand why someone would smoke and, on top of it, choose it over a live relationship when forced to choose. But, I was young, naive and believed in LOVE and forced to choose. And I got my very just desserts (very well deserved) when it backfired on me. [Side note - Interesting point is that when I smoked, the same person could not tolerate it! Obviously, not because of any finer feelings, but because girls are not supposed to smoke and I would be branded as "loose" and he would be tainted by association.]
You would have thought that I would have learnt my lesson. But no.I made the same mistake 1.5-2 years later. And when lectures, rants, bugging, counselling, nothing seemed to work, I did not hesitate to bring out the big guns and give the ultimatum about choosing one out of me or smoking. I got the expected choice, not because I was so well loved but because the relationship was not already crumbling (as in the first case). I became complacent until I discovered a lighter in a jacket a few months later. Thankfully, I do not hesitate to face facts and understood and accepted the implications without fuss. I understood that no "LOVE" is so compelling that it could make you give up something (that you did not already want to secretly) for another person. They may be forced to do it for a while but it is not going to last. I added it to my learning base and promised myself that I would never ever ask anyone to change anything for me. Fortunately, my husband is reaping the benefits and I have not asked him to change a SINGLE habit for me in the 3 years we have been married.
Over the years my I observed validations to this belief. When I was with Cognizant in Pune, I knew a couple - the husband worked on the third floor with me and the wife was on the ground floor of our building. I would accompany the husband on his smoke breaks everyday and a while later, I came to know (from some other source) that his wife was under the impression that he had given up smoking a while ago. My already low opinion of love went down further. He not only broke his promise, he did not care enough to ask me to keep it from his wife. (Although in the scenario 2 above, I had berated the friend for keeping it from me!)
And then I was introduced to the love we feel for our children. When I see the love my children have for me and how they look up to me, I want to be a better person so that they get good role models. I am conscious of the power I hold in shaping their young minds. My friend (mentioned at the beginning of the post), agreed wholeheartedly to this thought when I mentioned it to him. He said that his father used to smoke and so he caught the habit easily but he does not want his children to learn it. I am sure his wife must have tried to make him give up but it happened only when his children were born. An example much closer home is of my sister and brother in law. BIL was so addicted to his 2 cig a day that he would wear all the winter stuff just to go out on the balcony in the Canadian winter to smoke (sis did not allow smoke in the house) but when my nephew started discussing how his dad "drinks" cigarettes and how it is "ganda kaam" and how he also wanted to try it, he gave it up on his own. I was really skeptical and predicted that he would fall back once they came back to Phoenix and he got his smoking buddies again. But, they have been back for 6 months now and it seems he has successfully held out till now (provided this is not a case like the Cognizant couple).
My learning from all of this rambling? There is new hope in my heart - that love CAN make you do things, maybe not romantic love(good for me since I dont believe in it anyway) but the love you feel for your children. And maybe there is hope for me too. I failed at one but maybe I do have the chance to even out the score with the other.
Tail Piece: In Chashme baddoor, Farookh Sheik is a smoker who he is ready to quit but has the romantic notion of a girl asking him to do it for her. Unfortunately, when he goes on a date with Deepti Naval, she says she has no problems with cigs. Hilarious!!
Tail Piece 2: I still remember the day when I first tried a cigarette. I was in first year engg at Jamshedpur and my very very best friend was visiting in the holidays (his parents lived in the city). His dad had got a new car and he drove over to my hostel to meet me. I told him that I wanted to try and he did not deter me even once! He went and bought a pack and it was so HORRIBLE! (I started liking it much later). I had the pack with me for a while as I did not have a good way to dispose it. I still think of him and the incident fondly. Although at times I still get sad that he is no longer in my life, I am thankful that he was such an important part for a part of it.
This got me thinking on smokers and how smoking affects their relationships. It has been a very big learning experience, at least in my life, and I am sure for many others as well. All of us know how addictive smoking is, more than alcohol (in my opinion), maybe because of portability and availability. As a kid, I always used to wonder how educated people could do it even after knowing all about it but I confess that I am also attracted to the burning puffs which are tangible manifestations of all the burning in your heart. That is why I have never bought cigarettes myself because I feel the moment I buy them, I will start ignoring that it is not ok to give in! (Note - I had no trouble giving up alcohol). But I am getting ahead of myself. I experimented with these things well after my black and white stand on alcohol and smoking had turned to well defined grey.
Going back to the time when my stand was black. There is a time in the life of every girl when she thinks that her love can change even the most irredeemable guy and there is a time in the life of every boy when he thinks his love can make even the most unattainable girl reciprocate. Unfortunately for me, God/fate(?) decided that since I do (or did) everything king size, "a time" was not king size enough, and I gave me a 100% bonus. In simple words, there were two times in my life when I felt that my love could make someone give up smoking. The first time it happened, I was very naive. I simply could not understand why someone would smoke and, on top of it, choose it over a live relationship when forced to choose. But, I was young, naive and believed in LOVE and forced to choose. And I got my very just desserts (very well deserved) when it backfired on me. [Side note - Interesting point is that when I smoked, the same person could not tolerate it! Obviously, not because of any finer feelings, but because girls are not supposed to smoke and I would be branded as "loose" and he would be tainted by association.]
You would have thought that I would have learnt my lesson. But no.I made the same mistake 1.5-2 years later. And when lectures, rants, bugging, counselling, nothing seemed to work, I did not hesitate to bring out the big guns and give the ultimatum about choosing one out of me or smoking. I got the expected choice, not because I was so well loved but because the relationship was not already crumbling (as in the first case). I became complacent until I discovered a lighter in a jacket a few months later. Thankfully, I do not hesitate to face facts and understood and accepted the implications without fuss. I understood that no "LOVE" is so compelling that it could make you give up something (that you did not already want to secretly) for another person. They may be forced to do it for a while but it is not going to last. I added it to my learning base and promised myself that I would never ever ask anyone to change anything for me. Fortunately, my husband is reaping the benefits and I have not asked him to change a SINGLE habit for me in the 3 years we have been married.
Over the years my I observed validations to this belief. When I was with Cognizant in Pune, I knew a couple - the husband worked on the third floor with me and the wife was on the ground floor of our building. I would accompany the husband on his smoke breaks everyday and a while later, I came to know (from some other source) that his wife was under the impression that he had given up smoking a while ago. My already low opinion of love went down further. He not only broke his promise, he did not care enough to ask me to keep it from his wife. (Although in the scenario 2 above, I had berated the friend for keeping it from me!)
And then I was introduced to the love we feel for our children. When I see the love my children have for me and how they look up to me, I want to be a better person so that they get good role models. I am conscious of the power I hold in shaping their young minds. My friend (mentioned at the beginning of the post), agreed wholeheartedly to this thought when I mentioned it to him. He said that his father used to smoke and so he caught the habit easily but he does not want his children to learn it. I am sure his wife must have tried to make him give up but it happened only when his children were born. An example much closer home is of my sister and brother in law. BIL was so addicted to his 2 cig a day that he would wear all the winter stuff just to go out on the balcony in the Canadian winter to smoke (sis did not allow smoke in the house) but when my nephew started discussing how his dad "drinks" cigarettes and how it is "ganda kaam" and how he also wanted to try it, he gave it up on his own. I was really skeptical and predicted that he would fall back once they came back to Phoenix and he got his smoking buddies again. But, they have been back for 6 months now and it seems he has successfully held out till now (provided this is not a case like the Cognizant couple).
My learning from all of this rambling? There is new hope in my heart - that love CAN make you do things, maybe not romantic love(good for me since I dont believe in it anyway) but the love you feel for your children. And maybe there is hope for me too. I failed at one but maybe I do have the chance to even out the score with the other.
Tail Piece: In Chashme baddoor, Farookh Sheik is a smoker who he is ready to quit but has the romantic notion of a girl asking him to do it for her. Unfortunately, when he goes on a date with Deepti Naval, she says she has no problems with cigs. Hilarious!!
Tail Piece 2: I still remember the day when I first tried a cigarette. I was in first year engg at Jamshedpur and my very very best friend was visiting in the holidays (his parents lived in the city). His dad had got a new car and he drove over to my hostel to meet me. I told him that I wanted to try and he did not deter me even once! He went and bought a pack and it was so HORRIBLE! (I started liking it much later). I had the pack with me for a while as I did not have a good way to dispose it. I still think of him and the incident fondly. Although at times I still get sad that he is no longer in my life, I am thankful that he was such an important part for a part of it.
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