Sleepless in London

No, this not a new movie.....Generally, I have never had any problem with sleep....Rarely has sleep eluded me, esp during exam times.....I used to envy Manju - she never had the 'neend aa rahi hai' problem in class or during PL (preparatory leave for the non engg)...In MDI also, I slept off while the hostel burnt midnight oil (or was it alcohol?)

So, insomnia, when it struck me was very unexpected and unwelcome. I tried to take in stride as a sign of advancing age. I had encountered extreme sleeplessness only four times in my life. First, in college when I used to spend hours on the terrace continuously for around a week. Second, one night in Pune (just after college). I still remember the night. I stood at the window of my bedroom - looking out at the surrounding lights and imagining the people sleeping peacefully. Of all the time spent in that room, that night is the most vivid image I carry. Funny, how I remember the house where I spent time with people I have loved - and where I will never go back, by a night when I was there only with my thoughts for company.

And third, that fateful night in MDI - when I played the song 'Jane Kya baat hai' over and over again and literally spent the night with the song.

The last time was again in Pune - again in a house where I will never live again. But, I do not blame anyone, I was so unhappy(yes -very rarely I do become unhappy for a short while) and helpless and I never even thought of trying to sleep. I just sat on the window sill, looking down at the 'dhool bhara road', bewildered at how life had turned out and finally slept for a couple of hours from 6-8 before leaving for office.

And today, when again I am unable to sleep. The week has been very hectic and I have not had much sleep (although I get into bed promptly after dinner). Last week, every morning I have woken up and told myself that everything -good or bad - must end and I am one day closer to it! Every evening, something new has been dropped on me - proving that some things take a long long time to end......Today, I was at home and I thought my mind would relax. But, somehow, I am not able to release the coiled up thoughts inside me. My mind knows that I cannot continue in denial but my heart refuses to let go. I am so tired  that my eyes burn when open but closing them means a surge of restlessness I cannot control. My all time therapist - my music is also not able to soothe me today.

Not able to sleep, I started thinking about my relationship with God - something I have been wondering about for sometime now. My mom used to take me to the temple regularly. I used to pray every morning (though I went to the temple rarely) but its been 5 years now that I have stopped believing that 'God sab kuch dekhta hai'.....I have still not been able to forgive him....My sister and dad are very religious and believe absolutely in god. It is sort of funny that my 80 year old dad keeps fasts and I do not (another thing in him - he has never asked me to keep one!) God and I have a love, hate relationship now - but if I had the chance, I would definitely like to make him/her (?) answer some questions. And oh yes, do listen to 'Hum Tere Shahar Mein Aye' by Ghulam ali - it is playing now and I cannot have enough of it.

So here goes:

1. 'It was never meant to be' - is it a placebo or a verdict?
2. Why did it ever start if it was never meant to be?
3. 'If it is written' - why not just tell us and spare us the pain of not knowing what lies in the future!
4. Why do we have to go through the pain of making a difficult decision (or not being able to make a decision at all)- only to know later that 'it was NOT written as we hoped'.
5. Why dont you label the safey valve mechanism? I am not able to locate mine.
6. When we leave people behind, why cant we leave the memories too?
7. And what exactly, is moving on!
8. Why is blood so thick? Why can't the ties become proportional to distance?
9. Why do I have to bear the pain of supporting others when I have no part in the blame?
10. Please remember that when we wish for something, there is an expiry date attached. 
11. Why dont you balance a mind burdened by unwelcome thoughts with some sound, refreshing sleep?

The list can go on.....but I should try to sleep......Listening to 'Tu kahin bhi rahe, sar pe tere ilzaam' by ghulam ali - another lovely ghazal....(I seem to have rediscovered ghulam ali)

The one thing, which makes me go on, in spite of everything, is the self belief that I can handle anything my family, friends, ex boyfriends dish out. and yes, you can call it conceit if you wish - I do not care!

Note - This was never meant to go into the blog. But someone (who does not wish to be named) I spoke to - insisted that my friends had a right to read it. Not sure where this came from, but I am too tired to argue.

And yes, I finally slept from 5.30 - 6.30.