Monday morning is not a good time for introspection or thoughts of what could have been but what really is. I dont know where I am going professionally. I dont know where I want to go. I dont have anyone objective enough to talk to. I just know that I need to change myself but I cannot put my finger on what exactly that change is.
How wish I could turn back time and undo some of my actions. But I suspect that even if we could do that, we would just end up making different mistakes. Sometimes, just moving on and taking each day at a time seems to take up so much of your effort. I miss my solitude in Pune. I wish I could have some of it back. I could give a lot to just come home to an empty house where I would not have to talk to anybody and could be myself. Or I wish I wasnt that kind to keep everything inside but just could let everything out.
The only thing I keep repeating to myself each day is that everything passes and what God wills will happen.
Maybe this is what is life and you miss out on it if you keep waiting for things to fall in place. I wonder if they ever do.
When I was a kid and wanted to watch scary serials ( I remember Kile ka Rahasya was one) I used to put in my head in my dad's lap and would peep out with one eye and bury my head in his lap just at the crucial moment. All us had our own rooms and he used to keep checking on me during the night. I wish I could run back to him now with all my problems. Although I know he wouldnt be able to sort things out for me, I would have the comfort of knowing that he would be checking in on me and this oppressive weight would then maybe reduce. Instead, I am far away from him knowing that he is now reduced to bed rest and I chose a path which does not allow me to take care of him. Maybe this is the cross I have to bear the rest of my life. As a teenager, I used to wonder why people wanted "moksha" when life is so enjoyable. Why want to get out of the cycle when it is so much fun living and feeling each sensation.
Now I know. I cannot think of another 30 years of all this mess we call life. I just hope that it truly is the darkest before dawn.
How wish I could turn back time and undo some of my actions. But I suspect that even if we could do that, we would just end up making different mistakes. Sometimes, just moving on and taking each day at a time seems to take up so much of your effort. I miss my solitude in Pune. I wish I could have some of it back. I could give a lot to just come home to an empty house where I would not have to talk to anybody and could be myself. Or I wish I wasnt that kind to keep everything inside but just could let everything out.
The only thing I keep repeating to myself each day is that everything passes and what God wills will happen.
Maybe this is what is life and you miss out on it if you keep waiting for things to fall in place. I wonder if they ever do.
When I was a kid and wanted to watch scary serials ( I remember Kile ka Rahasya was one) I used to put in my head in my dad's lap and would peep out with one eye and bury my head in his lap just at the crucial moment. All us had our own rooms and he used to keep checking on me during the night. I wish I could run back to him now with all my problems. Although I know he wouldnt be able to sort things out for me, I would have the comfort of knowing that he would be checking in on me and this oppressive weight would then maybe reduce. Instead, I am far away from him knowing that he is now reduced to bed rest and I chose a path which does not allow me to take care of him. Maybe this is the cross I have to bear the rest of my life. As a teenager, I used to wonder why people wanted "moksha" when life is so enjoyable. Why want to get out of the cycle when it is so much fun living and feeling each sensation.
Now I know. I cannot think of another 30 years of all this mess we call life. I just hope that it truly is the darkest before dawn.
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